Reader Mail #2 – Being Debt-free and Emergency Fund-free, the Difference between Men and Women

the Dad — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 04:34:33 +0000

I want to shake your boyfriend until the little boy inside him falls out

Every so often on Climbing Out we will post a great reader email that might touch others’ lives or provide a chance to open discussion.

This touching note came in from a dear reader:

…I want to build up savings faster while my partner is actually already happy that we are not in debt and we are earning enough to pay for a comfortable life. I find myself fending him off from buying a new phone or a new bag or charging up plane tickets for a vacation. We can afford all of those but that would mean living on zero savings. He likes having extra money saved up as well but he has for so long lived on negative (I helped him pay off his debts when we moved in together) that even a little extra money is a big enough accomplishment for him.

I on the other hand have always had the little extra all my life until the time we moved in together and we decided to pay off his debts. Our present status is what I always had and I still want more to make me feel secure.

This is our only redundant fight. It should be finished in a month or two since the bonuses are coming and the big check I have been waiting for is coming.

In a way, I envy my partner. The way he is already happy with what we have (moneywise). I love him because of the simple dreams and the fact that the only thing that matters to him is that our family is safe, provided for, and happy. A girl shouldn’t ask for more than that.

There are a few things that come right to mind reading this before I give you The Wife’s and my response.

…or charging up plane tickets for a vacation.

We’re just going to assume I read that wrong. Being debt-free I cannot believe you would “charge” a plane ticket. Let’s pretend you mean he uses the debit card.

I on the other hand have always had the little extra all my life until the time we moved in together and we decided to pay off his debts. Our present status is what I always had and I still want more to make me feel secure.

This could be a whole post unto itself (and it may be in the future). Before we met both The Wife and I lived with boy-/girlfriends and we have formed strong opinions on why it was not right for us. Still, this dear reader was debt-free, then moved in and took on her partner’s debt-load. Now that it’s gone and they are back to her square one he is more than content. The way I see it, the battle is won as far as he is concerned.

A girl shouldn’t ask for more than that.

And here comes the part where I go ballistic…

But first, The Wife’s response:

Two things: 3-6 months emergency fund and the movie “Fireproof” come to mind.

That’s great that they are debt-free, but this guy needs to understand that his partner’s security gland is not quite satisfied. “A little extra” is nice, but it is not enough. The step is 3-6 months and I would lean toward the 6 month mark.

Also, even though it does not seem that they are married, it should be a priority to communicate and to ensure that both people feel that the plan is satisfying both people. He seems content enough, but she isn’t. This needs to be addressed. The extras he wants to buy for himself, her and their family is nice if it is in the budget and the budget needs to be agreed on by ALL parties.

She doesn’t need to “envy him”. His happiness isn’t and shouldn’t be more important or more easily had. She gets to feel happy with their status and progress too. She says “A girl shouldn’t ask for more than that” as if she should short-change her dreams and wants because his are simpler?! Seriously? A girl should ask for whatever she wants! You don’t get what you don’t ask for. Doesn’t make it easy, but you should always ask. I’m not always good about this either, but I am learning.

The women’s perspective of security at home and in the relationship cannot be understated.

The Dad replies:

…I want to shake your boyfriend until the little boy inside him falls out.

For us, the time was not long ago that not only was debt running our lives, but “emergencies” were the norm. I cannot recount how many times we told ourselves and others that “just when it feels like we’re getting ahead, the ___ breaks and There Goes The Savings! Ha ha ha.”

Not very funny, is it?

To The Wife and me Dave Ramsey’s Baby Steps 1,2 and 3 are no joke. They are a Life-and-death All-Out EMERGENCY to save our lives! Do not pass GO. Shut your whiny mouth.

Is that too harsh?

Your boyfriend doesn’t have “EXTRA” savings. NOTHING is extra when a layoff or even the deductible from a freaking fender-bender will put you back in debt! And that is right where you are.

I’ve learned that what needs to be clear to every woman’s man is that she has a need for security WE CANNOT UNDERSTAND. Nor do we have to. We just have to fulfill it if we want a meaningful relationship.

Listen, fill that 6 month fund up (forget 3 months at this point, you have a loose cannon) and then make sure it’s not used for ANYTHING other than a real emergency. Then you’ll know peace.

The Wife says you two should watch “Fireproof”(2008) together; it’s a bit preachy, but the message is good: honor and serve your spouse. By-the-way, get married or get out of each other’s financial lives. That’s ridiculous beyond reason in my opinion.

So don’t envy him. His attitude will keep you broke and will never build wealth.

I envy your attitude. Trust your instincts. You are right.

Cheers,
the Dad
Climbing Out

Reader Mail #1 – A Little Cursing Never Hurt Anyone

the Dad — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 21:52:01 +0000

We get a few notes from the Contact page from time-to-time and this week I thought I’d answer a really good one publicly.

We are both sure enjoying your postings on “Climbing Out”…………great stories, much humor, lots of humility and strong resolve…..bravo!

Just a loving observation…….near the end of the Wells Fargo missive you, for the 1st time I believe, shifted blame in a slightly vulgar vein by referring to these evil lenders….as ‘asses’………..that word and that tone stopped me in my total and complete support of your efforts and new ideals……for the first time you shifted the blame to THEM….and in a crude fashion……as though THEY maybe held a gun to your head to borrow. To make this thing (debt free) work, and make it work enjoyably….my experience shows that I have to stay on my side of the street. I did this to me….not, THEY did this to me…. as long as you think you are not totally at fault you will not be totally committed to this new resolve.

Up to that one line, and then after, you told a great and factual story….and you got great feedback as to what you might do to mitigate some of that ridiculous interest increase…..but you have to know that from the start you were getting into bed with dogs….and the chance of fleas was there….and fleas have a tendency to multiply without prior warning…..

Hope I made my point in a loving and helpful fashion……my only intent is to see you succeed in this wonderful endeavor. We love your postings..!!!!!!

I think this was an excellent observation and very kind feedback.

With the new credit card consumer protection act (cnn, fox) going in to force next Spring, card issuers are doing what they can to maximize their profit and lock us in now.

The truth is according to our credit card agreement today Wells can do whatever they want to our interest rates and minimum payment whether we have been responsible customers or not (a warning to all of you who “pay it off every month”), and yes, we did sign that agreement.

I didn’t mean to adopt a kind of ‘victim language’, but I do love some well-placed vulgarity — which is why I read Heather Armstrong’s Dooce. Highly recommend it.

Keep your feedback both positive and negative coming; it is all welcome! We will answer it regularly here on Climbing Out or privately if you prefer.

the Dad

Climbing Out » feedback

Reader Mail #2 – Being Debt-free and Emergency Fund-free, the Difference between Men and Women

Reader Mail #1 – A Little Cursing Never Hurt Anyone