2 Aug
Living Accidentally – The Opportunity Cost of an Unintentional Life
How the Dad ended up with a ridiculous commute.
Way back in 1996 a friend asked if I was interested in renting his house. The current renters were bailing on him and he knew I wasn’t happy with my living situation.
I was one of several roommates in a pretty small place about 20 miles from work. The thought of a whole house (with a yard!) to myself was very enticing. My own kitchen, a real garage, in a real neighborhood.
The catch? It was more than 60 miles from work.
I remember thinking how crazy that sounded, but my friend suggested I try the drive; that it wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t, or so I convinced myself, and I moved in. Not many people were making that commute and I could do it in about 50 minutes one-way.
One thing led to another and I purchased my first house. It was a few miles FURTHER out, larger, and in a nicer neighborhood. That was when The Wife and I met and got married. She moved out “to the country” with me and we commuted together as the years passed.
The only constant is change, even way out in the country.
Meanwhile more people moved out to the same suburb and the commute began changing. What once took 50 minutes was now regularly 70 to 75 minutes. Housing prices were rising and the neighborhood was changing for the worse.
We sold the house near the peak of the market (not that we knew that) and bought another shortly after the birth of our first offspring. This house is even further away. More people moved to the area and the drive to work changed again.
Today my commute takes 90 minutes each way or 3 hours per day. The new house is worth nearly $100,000 less than what we owe on it in spite of putting nearly 40% down.
And so I find myself blinking and looking around asking, “What the hell am I doing?” Three hours each day in the car is not how I envisioned my life. Not my life as a husband, as a father, creatively, nor professionally. Yet there is no clean way out of it today. Jobs closer to home pay half what my current employer does and moving does not make sense with home values so low.
It’s a situation of my own making, but created by a series of haphazard and rationalized decisions. I think this is the same type of unintentional lifestyle that led us deeply into debt, but we may just have to wait this one out.
Now that we’re here, what are our options?
Thankfully we can pay our mortgage and make financial progress in spite of my drive, but I worry at times about the opportunity cost of 3 lost hours each day. Missed opportunities in my creativity, my marriage and my parenting.
I hear about people with 5 minute commutes and I cannot even imagine what that would be like.
Getting out of debt has readjusted so many priorities in our lives and this may be the next big one to change. Thankfully when we are debt-free there will be another option to selling our house and moving closer to work: taking a lower-paying job closer to home.
Have you had success winning with your commute? Have you moved closer to work or quit a job to be closer to home?
Cheers,
the Dad
Posted by Sharon on 08/02/10 at 1:42 pm
It takes my husband an hour each way (on good days) and he drives a hybrid which allows him on the HOV lanes. We live about 33 miles outside of DC where he works. He hates it. We are not upside down in our home, but we originally purchased it because it was in an area that we could afford.
I wish my husband had a 5 minute commute. I remember growing up in upstate NY, my father worked only 5 minutes away. Dinner was always at 5:30 p.m. He had already been home and changed and having a cocktail with my mother before dinner.
I would LOVE to move. And we just may, as soon as the youngest is out of high school in 5 years.
Hang in there, hopefully the job market will get better and you may have that 5 minute commute yet!
Posted by Kathryn on 08/02/10 at 2:25 pm
hi the dad! I can completely relate to this. I moved to the big city to be closer to my job only to find living there puts my child rearing values (and sanity) in jeopardy. So now, as we work to pay off our debt, we realize that we need to make a choice like yours. Be closer to work, for a short commute means buying something smaller. Something smaller means…well…smaller. But we are learning that life is one long expression of our values. And that it’s all about trade offs. I already make peanuts working in education, so moving further out to make less will put us on a permanent “rice and beans” diet so we are planning our next BIG move…to smaller. Gotta find a way to make it all work. Stay focused my friend!
Posted by the Dad on 08/02/10 at 4:15 pm
What wonderful comments, guys, thank you! I really love your quote, “we are learning that life is one long expression of our values”. Fabulous!
Posted by jpkittie on 08/03/10 at 2:29 am
What a great ‘next goal’ that would be! You guys have been doing amazing with your journey – I am sure that you will make a change for the best in the long run. (DH works about 20 miles from home & it is during off hours – so it takes him 25 minutes – he says it is a good drive for him, gives him time to wake up in the morning & finish his coffee before heading in!)
Posted by Li'l Shelley on 08/03/10 at 2:03 pm
That’s us. Terry had a job 25 miles away that took about or over an hour, depending. He now works 4 miles from home. But he owns his own business so he still does not come home at 530. But he does roll in to work about an hour later. He is making maybe 1/3 of what he used to due to overhead etc. But we paid no taxes and got money back last year. Sort of a ‘rich dad poor dad’ setup I suppose. Anyway long story short it’s hard and sucks in some ways but the fact that he sees the kids every morning and every night is beyond awesome. (during his old job he only saw Hank on the weekends, how sad is that?)
Posted by Gramps on 08/03/10 at 6:30 pm
I think Mom and I planted this seed 4-5 years ago……so glad it is germinating and may come to bloom in the not too distant future. We know how much you love to be with your family and 3 hours each day on the road must be frustrating….especially when you know how you would love to spend that time with your ladies….you were truly born to be a father, not a commuter. Trust the process, follow your heart and you will be given the time that feeds your soul, not your creditors. The end is in sight…..the benefits will be plentiful and wonderful. And you and your whole family will have made it happen. What an accomplished family! We are very proud. Gramps & Tutu
Posted by Adam on 08/04/10 at 7:24 am
When I took my first job out of college, I lived in an entirely different state than my wife. She lived in Maryland while I lived in Pennsylvania during the week. If I had commuted to that job, it would have taken my 2 hours with no traffic. So, we figured it would just be best to rent a room in someones house while I looked to transfer to a new location or get a new job.
Long story short, I got a transfer to a new location where I can now be with my wife. Looking back, it was worth all of the trouble because I’m not sure if I would have a job right now.
Posted by Gholmes on 08/09/10 at 8:57 am
Keep attacking it “Dad”. Debt did the same to me but now free.
Posted by Jeffrey Johnson on 08/22/10 at 10:33 am
I work for myself which is good as doubt could work at traditional job after stroke. I have no commute. Takes me 1-5 minute to walk from bad to my computer. Pre-stroke was 5 second walk.
I walk like a drunk 80-year old which not good at 31.
Posted by Kelly on 10/07/10 at 7:30 am
Hang in there. Things have a way of working out. Try and spend your commute doing something you enjoy and savor the peace and quiet sans kids. I used to commute 30 miles each way to work and I really got into audiobooks. It was the only time I had to “read.” Now I work 6 miles from my house and while I appreciate the shorter commute, less gas, etc. I still miss my audiobooks!
Posted by Lorena on 11/16/10 at 10:46 am
Hubby has a 2.5 minute commute and I have a 7-15 minute commute, depending on my schedule for the day. We purposely sought out houses close to his job as he works 12 hour nights, 7 days in a row. He’s actually thinking of selling his car in the spring and walking to work.
Posted by Natdim on 01/01/11 at 10:34 am
I live a mile from work, and made a conscious decision to buy my home so close. I can walk to work, walk home for lunch, etc. Actually I chose my location based on walking distance to town, grocery stroe, work, movie theater, etc. As to driving 3 hours a day – As you say – “I cannot even imagine what that would be like”. I would be tempted to take the much closer job with less pay, and save the 15 hours a week and all that gas money… to do something more productive. Good luck, and I like your blog!