8 Dec
Reader Mail #2 – Being Debt-free and Emergency Fund-free, the Difference between Men and Women
Every so often on Climbing Out we will post a great reader email that might touch others’ lives or provide a chance to open discussion.
This touching note came in from a dear reader:
…I want to build up savings faster while my partner is actually already happy that we are not in debt and we are earning enough to pay for a comfortable life. I find myself fending him off from buying a new phone or a new bag or charging up plane tickets for a vacation. We can afford all of those but that would mean living on zero savings. He likes having extra money saved up as well but he has for so long lived on negative (I helped him pay off his debts when we moved in together) that even a little extra money is a big enough accomplishment for him.
I on the other hand have always had the little extra all my life until the time we moved in together and we decided to pay off his debts. Our present status is what I always had and I still want more to make me feel secure.
This is our only redundant fight. It should be finished in a month or two since the bonuses are coming and the big check I have been waiting for is coming.
In a way, I envy my partner. The way he is already happy with what we have (moneywise). I love him because of the simple dreams and the fact that the only thing that matters to him is that our family is safe, provided for, and happy. A girl shouldn’t ask for more than that.
There are a few things that come right to mind reading this before I give you The Wife’s and my response.
…or charging up plane tickets for a vacation.
We’re just going to assume I read that wrong. Being debt-free I cannot believe you would “charge” a plane ticket. Let’s pretend you mean he uses the debit card.
I on the other hand have always had the little extra all my life until the time we moved in together and we decided to pay off his debts. Our present status is what I always had and I still want more to make me feel secure.
This could be a whole post unto itself (and it may be in the future). Before we met both The Wife and I lived with boy-/girlfriends and we have formed strong opinions on why it was not right for us. Still, this dear reader was debt-free, then moved in and took on her partner’s debt-load. Now that it’s gone and they are back to her square one he is more than content. The way I see it, the battle is won as far as he is concerned.
A girl shouldn’t ask for more than that.
And here comes the part where I go ballistic…
But first, The Wife’s response:
Two things: 3-6 months emergency fund and the movie “Fireproof” come to mind.
That’s great that they are debt-free, but this guy needs to understand that his partner’s security gland is not quite satisfied. “A little extra” is nice, but it is not enough. The step is 3-6 months and I would lean toward the 6 month mark.
Also, even though it does not seem that they are married, it should be a priority to communicate and to ensure that both people feel that the plan is satisfying both people. He seems content enough, but she isn’t. This needs to be addressed. The extras he wants to buy for himself, her and their family is nice if it is in the budget and the budget needs to be agreed on by ALL parties.
She doesn’t need to “envy him”. His happiness isn’t and shouldn’t be more important or more easily had. She gets to feel happy with their status and progress too. She says “A girl shouldn’t ask for more than that” as if she should short-change her dreams and wants because his are simpler?! Seriously? A girl should ask for whatever she wants! You don’t get what you don’t ask for. Doesn’t make it easy, but you should always ask. I’m not always good about this either, but I am learning.
The women’s perspective of security at home and in the relationship cannot be understated.
The Dad replies:
…I want to shake your boyfriend until the little boy inside him falls out.
For us, the time was not long ago that not only was debt running our lives, but “emergencies” were the norm. I cannot recount how many times we told ourselves and others that “just when it feels like we’re getting ahead, the ___ breaks and There Goes The Savings! Ha ha ha.”
Not very funny, is it?
To The Wife and me Dave Ramsey’s Baby Steps 1,2 and 3 are no joke. They are a Life-and-death All-Out EMERGENCY to save our lives! Do not pass GO. Shut your whiny mouth.
Is that too harsh?
Your boyfriend doesn’t have “EXTRA” savings. NOTHING is extra when a layoff or even the deductible from a freaking fender-bender will put you back in debt! And that is right where you are.
I’ve learned that what needs to be clear to every woman’s man is that she has a need for security WE CANNOT UNDERSTAND. Nor do we have to. We just have to fulfill it if we want a meaningful relationship.
Listen, fill that 6 month fund up (forget 3 months at this point, you have a loose cannon) and then make sure it’s not used for ANYTHING other than a real emergency. Then you’ll know peace.
The Wife says you two should watch “Fireproof”(2008) together; it’s a bit preachy, but the message is good: honor and serve your spouse. By-the-way, get married or get out of each other’s financial lives. That’s ridiculous beyond reason in my opinion.
So don’t envy him. His attitude will keep you broke and will never build wealth.
I envy your attitude. Trust your instincts. You are right.
Cheers,
the Dad
Climbing Out
Posted by kELSALYNN on 08.12.09 at 8:34 pm
I think you’re pretty spot on with your reactions- both Mom and Dad. It’s important that you caught on to the real issues and not the money. The disagreement over money is only because of poor communication, lack of respect for one person’s opinion, selfishness, blah, blah, blah.
I would like to point out one thing I noticed however. The reaction is somewhat sexist. It’s not ALWAYS the woman whose security gland is stronger. In my relationship, my husband wants more in savings. Regardless of which spouse has th security gland, though, your response was gosh darn good… : )
I also think maybe we could provide some more step-by-step guidance/advice. For example, her and her husband should both write down a number of what they want in savings to feel “secure.” Then they need to choose a number that they will BOTH be “content” with temporarily/a minimum amount for her if you will.
Once they reach that amount, and that amount is priority for EMERGENCIES, but once they get to that point, the plan changes slightly. Once they reach that lower amount, they determine from there what % (ratios) of leftover money continue to fund the savings and how much can go to the “wants/toys”.
Posted by tam on 08.12.09 at 8:34 pm
Can you also shake the little boy out of my husband–oh, wait, I already did…our son. At least they have each other to play with.
GREAT disection!
Posted by Andi on 08.12.09 at 8:34 pm
I am SO with the Mom on this, because that is such a common thing with women. For what ever reason, we assume that whatever we get from our mate is acceptable, and we shouldn’t expect anything more than that, even if our sense of security is being ignored. BOLLOCKS.
Also, Fireproof kicks ass. Well done, the Mom.