11 Sep
One Loan That Will Never be Paid Back
Like most of us I have spent some time in life in situations I was glad to get out of and with people I was glad to be away from.
The feeling of freedom can be outrageously visceral when we emotionally let go of something we should have long ago.
This week I heard a freeing statement about debtors. It amounted to something like, “Don’t waste time and energy chasing money you’re never going to see anyway.”
Sounds logical, doesn’t it, but BOY when we feel the scales of fairness are tipped against us we often work ourselves into a lather for decades about it — instead of putting our thoughts, energy and emotions into improving our lives.
Nearly eight years ago we loaned my father our entire savings. It wasn’t much, about six thousand dollars. He had been financially very generous with me through college, but shortly thereafter his career took a nose-dive and never recovered. I felt obligated to help and, with the consent of The Wife, we did.
Regular readers know our mis-behavior with money goes back years so it didn’t take long until we found ourselves “in a pinch.” Boy, we sure could use that money. He said it was just for a few months.
I wrote asking for details. He responded detailing an upcoming work event or windfall and that we would certainly be paid back soon.
Oops. “That one didn’t come through, but there is a great opportunity coming up and we’ll definitely have the money back to you then!”
We must have done that dance three or four times that year.
Years past.
I remember the conversation with The Wife where we finally acknowledged that the “loan” we had made was no loan at all, but a poison to the relationship with my father.
We let him know that we considered it a gift, never to be paid back… and just like that, we were free.
That was more than four years ago now, but hearing that statement about giving up the chase for a debt hit home.
We don’t have time, energy or emotion to waste on that crap; we’re racing toward a different kind of freedom now.
the Dad
Posted by Sharon on 09/11/09 at 3:16 pm
Actually, you should not feel bad about that at all. You said he was very generous with you for college, why do you feel he owes you this debt? This is the man who gave you life, who for many years supported you. He had fallen on hard times, and I’m so glad that you have turned that “loan” into a “gift”. He gave you a “gift” far more valuable….your life.
Posted by Kelsalynn on 09/11/09 at 4:30 pm
I understand the emotions behind this. I think it would have been completely different had you intended all along to just gift him the money. But to be under the impression that it’s just temporary, to be lead in that direction by a parent, only to have it play out a different way, I think it’s a very difficult situation to not have negative emotions over. I think that’s why Dave always says to only ever GIFT a family member money. There’s no miscommunication that way. There’s no being mislead that you’ll get the money back so when the time comes, if it does, that you don’t get it back, there’s no “ah-ha realization” moment.
Just think, soon the day will come where you will be able to give to a family member in a pinch because you can, because you want to, because you feel their pain of financial hardship.
I have a sick feeling that I, too, will come to this realization soon. YEARS ago, I co-signed a loan for my sister. Boy was that stupid… we’ll see how this ends up coming back to bite me.
Posted by Danielle on 09/25/09 at 5:01 pm
Hmmm… 2 weeks and no posting? That’s quite a long time!!
Did you catch us on the Dave Ramsey show tonight?! We were the last ones.
Posted by Melinda on 09/27/09 at 8:33 am
Just wondering where you have gotten off too? I do enjoy checking up on this blog every week. Hope you have fallen off the edge of the world.
Posted by the Dad on 09/28/09 at 9:22 am
Hi guys! Don’t worry, we’re still here and kicking it!
I’ve been at the Great American Beer Festival (working!) for the past week plus a lot of pre-setup work so I’ve been very preoccupied.
But today I’m home and catching up on mountains of email, next month’s budget and playing with the kids.
Expect more from us again soon!
the Dad
Posted by Tam on 10/05/09 at 6:00 am
I think the husbands discussed this, but we had a similar situation with my husband’s brother with an amount in the neighborhood of $25K. That is now part of our $162K in debt I mentioned previously. It money he “borrowed” to finish building his house (that he couldn’t afford in the first place) was infecting our relationship. My husband and his brother are very close…and no amount of money was worth risking that. My husband had the “it’s a gift” conversation with his brother and, Dad, you are right. We are free…all of us.