2 Mar
The First Friend Faux Pas
In Kung Fu Panda, Shifu brings about the thing he dreads most by taking steps to prevent it. He sends an envoy to make sure his foe is safely imprisoned only to have the envoy drop a feather that enables the foe’s escape.
A self-fullfilling prophesy.
People have warned me that although some will support us, we will be faced with other friends and family members who do not understand a focused drive toward debt-freedom. Those people may criticize, mock or simply distance themselves from a situation they either don’t “get” or perhaps makes them uncomfortable.
I don’t want my own self-fullfilling prophesy so I have spoken with very few people about what we have begun financially. I fear a friendship will become uncomfortable or strained.
Sigh. A few days ago one did.
Friend X emailed several of us about getting together for a couple of pints at a local Belgian pub. “It’s not in the budget”, I responded.
“Wow, I had no idea things were so tough for you guys. Come on out and I’ll buy you a beer.” he said.
Great!
So we go and he asks me what’s going on. I tell him about getting debt free and the excitement of living on a paper budget for the first time.
Blank stare and the conversation moves on.
When the bill comes people throw down their cash and one of the guys looks at me expectantly. “Friend X is picking up my pint”, I say.
“What? Friend X has never bought mine.”
“Well, that’s when I thought something was wrong”, says friend X. “I didn’t know it was self-imposed… mumble, mumble…”, pulling back his cash and putting down his debit card instead.
Ugh. I thanked him for the pint and we dispersed.
A few days later friend X sends out a message to the same group again, “Who feels like buying me a pint today?”
I felt like crap. I don’t know if that was directed at me personally or not, but it certainly felt like something I thought was a nice gesture had become another debt owed. I wonder if he felt duped into paying.
This week I’ve got the month’s “blow” money in my wallet; about $30. Regardless of intent, the situation feels tainted now. I am going to return the “favor” and chalk it up to a lesson learned.
Skidoosh.
the Dad
Posted by Gramps on 03/05/09 at 7:06 pm
A wise person once told me………….”No one cares about my money, like I do, Nobody!” It’s a very personal thing. Everyone’s path is a bit different….People either support you on your path..or they don’t. If they do…..they are good friends…because they want what’s best for you and they allow you to travel your path. They may suggest ways to improve travel on you path…but good friends will not insist you leave your path so they can better enjoy travel on their path.
Mom’s turn now – I remember when I was first getting sober and people would want me to have “just one drink” with them – the pushy ones were unrelenting. Another AA member told me -
ask them if they’re willing to do the sobering up for you!
It’s not falling apart, honey – though it may feel like it sometimes; it’s falling together! Friendships too.
Posted by Coffeenut on 03/06/09 at 2:43 pm
What a sucky friend. I would actually mail the dude his money with a note saying he didn’t have to offer to pay your pint and he should have taken no for an answer if it was an issue. With friends like that, you can afford to lose a few.
Hope it gets better. When you are living like no one else, you can buy the group a round and make sure they know there are ‘no strings attached’ and maybe they will realize how hurtful they were! Goold luck with your money makeover. I am just a stalker at the TMMO forum cuz I can’t justify spending $10/mo right now, but maybe when I am closer to debt free I can hang out with you guys for real.
Posted by thedad on 03/06/09 at 2:55 pm
@Coffeenut – He’s been a good friend… we just have never interacted on a financial level before. I really think I should have been clearer at the beginning about what “It’s not in the budget” means — and you can bet I will be from now on in similar situations.
Posted by Coffeenut on 03/06/09 at 8:30 pm
Maybe he has been a good friend, but he didn’t have put you on the spot that way. I think he could have been a bit more gracious. It is rude to offer to pay for someone and then only after the check comes to put stipulations on paying. I’m from Texas, so maybe it is a regional thing, but around here that would be considered really bad manners. It seems like it also strained the relationship some too if you are now feeling awkward about it and feel that it is another “debt.” Hope you can work it out, and yeah, maybe try rephrasing your response to “No” or “I can’t” or something else not financially indicative.
Posted by Shannon on 03/25/09 at 1:57 pm
The reality is, your friend heard you say “not in the budget” and then treated you like a jerk because he offered you a gift of a pint. He said he wanted your company so he would buy you a beer, then got mad because he invited you out? How silly and immature.
Seriously.
If I invite a friend out, I pay. It’s something I offered. If a friend said “I can’t, we’re going on an all cash vacation to Europe” and I said “it doesn’t matter, I’ll buy the coke…” why would I get ticked off later?
Because you have something he doesn’t..and he didn’t know how to process it.
Posted by Tam on 04/14/09 at 4:23 am
Isn’t it interesting that “I’m on a budget” triggered concern but the words “I’m so broke” almost never do. The implication being that a budget makes a situation dire. All budgets are self-imposed, right? We like to call it a “goal-oriented lifestyle” around here.
I like Gramps’ advice. Nobody cares about your money but you. I wouldn’t feel too bad about friend x. He offered to buy you a beer. End of story.
You are doing what you need to do for your family. We have written out budgets for years and we stick to them for the first month, maybe two and I can see a difference and then we relax and suddenly we aren’t sticking to anything. GOOD FOR YOU for sticking with this! Very inspirational.
Posted by atruebeauty on 07/21/09 at 7:14 am
I like the AA advice. I’m in AA as well as TMM (yeah I need lots of work but all for the better!). Its amazing how many people know I’m in AA but think that say a chocolate with liqueur in it is fine… seriously I have days where I’d kiss someone for a taste of alcohol… do you think that’s a good idea?